A-Z Witcher (Original)
by Megan Hahn
Summary: An A-Z poem about the Witcher games as well as the books.


Adda-that one very, very salty bitch, I'm sorry, but if someone has taken the time out of their lives to uncurse you _twice_ , I feel like they have the God given right to tell you they don't want to have sex with you, because they are committed to Triss, expect that one time that you cheated on her with that chick you gave flowers to because you were just being nice and then you fucked her, also that one time that you fucked three vampires because you sided with them and didn't have the choice, but other than those two times, I am a committed Witcher and I don't wanna fuck you, Adda, so why do you have to be a bitch and do something where you kick me out or accuse me of something...or something...I'm sorry, it's been a long time since I played and I don't quite remember, also, fuck your husband, he's a dick and I murdered him, can we take a moment to talk about that actually, so, you spend the most part of the second game trying to prove that you didn't kill Foltest, only to actually help murder a king in the next game...great job Geralt

Botchling-that one thing I hate with the most fiery passion ever, let me explain a little, on the quest with him, I wanted to make him a Lubberkin, you know, since I'm not a terrible person, so, first time, things go pretty smoothly, slow though, ps, I hate fighting wraiths, they're really annoying, but when we get up to the house, it crashes, I launch it again, get back up to the house, and it crashes again, I launch it again, get back up to the house, but this time I'm fighting the botchling, I didn't think I did anything wrong, but I didn't remember doing this wrong last time, after a long and hard fight, I finally beat him and go to meet the Pellar and start doing this torch thingy, this is the point where I say to myself 'I know I haven't done this before, I'm doing something wrong', so I reload the save right before the part where you pick the botchling up, this is where I end up finding out what I did wrong, while the Baron is talking, I run forward, causing him the drop it and causing me to have to fight it, this is the point where I realize that I fucked up earlier and went too far ahead, and by that, I mean I barely left the area he was in, so, I start another one, go back up to the house, and it crashes again, so I verify the files, uninstall the one mod I had, as well as turn all the graphics down and window the game, finally fixing the crash, but not after an hour of shit I never want to have to do again

Ciri-that one girl who I love more than anything in life, just kidding, that's probably not true, okay, maybe a little, but really, I think she's a great character, and I think they did a good job of making her like her character in the books, but older and more experienced and the fact that how you treat her, affects the ending, I like that, but then again, I like the whole game

Deathmarch-that one difficulty that truly scared me, when I played the Witcher 3, I did it for the first time on Just the Story, but that's mostly due to when the first time I played the Witcher 2 on the Xbox, quiet a few years ago I didn't know anything about the game and _never_ used the signs, that screwed me over, making the game a million times harder, when I played it again in the PC before 3 came out, it wasn't as hard as I remembered, none the less, I was really worried the first time playing through so I did it on Just the Story, so this time around I wanted a challenge, so I put it on Blood and Broken Bones, being disappointed after ten hours I put it up to Deathmarch, I will say I love it when I'm fighting things that are much higher leveled than me, but when it comes it leveled things, they don't nearly feel as hard as I think that they should be, but that may just be me

Eternal Fire-that one kind of fire that spawns assholes, I'm sorry if you love the Order of the Flaming Rose, but I personally hate them, this is likely due to the fact that I played the first game and sided with the elves and the fact they hate non humans, but they're pretentious assholes and Alvin...why did you have to do that to me, why did you say everytime I said something that you'd take it to heart and then fucking do the exact opposite, you're a little shit, I want you to know that

Foltest-that one guy who I actually really kind liked in his small part in the second game and his role in the first game...until I read the books and found out about Adda...I changed my mind about him, he kinda deserved what he got...though I will say, back in the days of playing the first game, I have no idea what kind of lore it had, poor decision and if you haven't read the books, go read them now, they're great, thank you random lady at Gamestop for telling me to

Gwent-that one game that I didn't even have any idea how to play the first time I played the game, a total of 150ish hours, but this second time around, I finally learned...without the help of the tutorial because it didn't want to show up for whatever reason, and now it's one of my all time favorite card games even if I'm still not the best at it and still get my ass kicked on the actual Gwent game

Hearts of Stone-that one DLC that showed other game companies how they should make a DLC, okay, this one is kind of a cheat because I used the b for botchling and I wanna talk about Blood and Wine, holy fuck, that DLC is the most amazing thing in life, I love everything about it, the fact that Regis is there, which is actually really cool for me because I had just finished Baptism of Fire right before it came out, not to mention how beautiful everything, how long it is, how amazing the story is, ugh, I love it so much and those people who said that it didn't deserve RPG of the year just because it was a DLC obviously didn't play it, it's longer than a lot of RPGs and better than most, if not all of them, if you haven't played it, please do, hell, I'll even buy it for you

Iorveth-that one elf that probably has more fangirls than Geralt, just saying, but also, what is with elves in these games, I spend so much time fighting for their cause, Yaevinn included, only to never even see them again, Roche visits me even though I didn't side with him, hell, Letho pops in, the least you could've done was sent me a letter, Iorveth, it hurts my feelings  
Jutta-that one woman who can kick most anyone's asses, who aren't Witchers, yet all she really wants is a man...or a quick fuck, one of those two, I dunno about you, but personally if someone dethroned me, or left me beaten and bruised, I probably wouldn't want to sleep with them...unless they were Geralt, then totally, I totally get it

Keria-that one beautiful lady who needs a new shirt, yes, I could tell you about how she's a great character and the fact that she and Lambert ride off into the sunset it both awesome and adorable, but instead I'm going to complain about the fact that she can't keep get damn nipples in her shirt, as a woman, as someone who doesn't like nipples at all, I don't like it  
Letho-that one guy who's thing I left to do last and now don't feel like doing it, so instead I'll just tell you this, I had two mice, one named Iorveth and one named Letho, have a nice day

Milva-that one character who I really wish hadn't died, she is honestly one of my favorite characters from the series and I love her and I wish that she hadn't died and I think she's cool and I think I may be a fangirl...why can't she come back like Geralt or literally anyone else in the Witcher  
Nekkers-the creature that is the slime to other RPGs as it to Witcher 2, or the Drowners in Witcher 1, what I'm trying to say it that they were annoying and overused and I don't like fighting then in 3

Olgierd-that one old guy

Quen-that one thing you really, really can't play Deathmarch without...I mean, you could, but why would you want to, in short, I love Quen more than probably anything  
Roach-the most amazing thing in the entire game, hands down, first of all, just having a horse in a Witcher game is a much needed thing, especially with its size, but her...uniqueness is just...outstanding and I love it, I love how she gets stuck on the dumbest things, how she won't go into water, but will sometimes just slide into it and then disappear completely like she became the water, or even how she will kick people in combat, sometimes even you

Shani-that one chick who I really, really didn't like in the first game, but liked in the books and then _loved_ in Hearts of Stone, they nailed her character and I love her and I want to keep her around

Triss-that one amazing woman who is the love of my life, if you prefer Yen, I respect that, but I love Triss so much, she's just so sweet and adorable and I named all of my Dragon Age characters Triss, as well as all of my choose your own adventure games, not to mention I named my second rat Triss, and she's kind of a bitch...but I still love her, even when she bites me ears...which is all the time  
Uma-that one form that makes Avallac'h a helluva lot more bearable, just saying...  
Vesmir-that old man who I love and will always miss, he was everything to me, a friend, an uncle, a grumpy old man, but we love him and we will never forget  
Wraiths-those things I already mentioned, but hate them so much I had to do it again, I mean...I fucking hate them, they are so annoying to fight, why can't they just stand there and die without teleporting, not to mention, they're always in a pack of twenty  
Yennefer-that woman who makes me feel really torn, as a gamer, and as a person, I really prefer Triss, she's just so lovable and a redhead...and we all know how I feel about those, but as a reader of the books, I feel like Geralt should be with her and when I had to break up with her, I felt so terrible, but then again, I feel like Geralt in the books and my own Geralt are nothing alike, so maybe it's alright, since they _aren't_ the same man, but that doesn't mean I don't feel terrible about breaking up with her  
Zoltan-that one dwarf who is my homey...don't judge me, I'm tired and I want to finish this, it's 2:51 in the morning and I feel sick to my stomach

* * *

 **I swear these things get longer every time I do them...sorry about that! So, I'm like two years late to this, but hey, that's alright. I don't really know why I never did one when I first came out, maybe because I didn't feel like I knew the characters well enough to, but I've decided to play it again and hopefully I'll finish before Mass Effect Andromeda comes out, I mean, I've down above fifty hours in two weeks and I put about a hundred and fifty with all the DLC's the first time around so it's possible...maybe. Nonetheless, I plan to do one for Andromeda when it comes out, but let's be honest, I probably won't do it this year, so don't expect it. I also just realized I wrote in fuck for f like months ago and I don't care, I'm leaving it there, so you're welcome. I know there are a lot of problems most likely, but as I said, I'm too tired to fix them and let's be honest, I'm never going to fix them, so...yeah. (I also forgot to do** **Olgierd...oops...just know that I really like him and his mustache.)**

 **Thank you for reading, I really appreciate it! If you have any comments, questions, concerns, suggestions, or ideas, feel free to comment or PM me, I love responding to anything. Once again, thank you, I really appreciate it and have a wonderful day!**


End file.
